****Please note: even though I censor myself here this is not a topic for everyone. Especially not young ones.****
This is a toughie. I don't know where to start.
It seems this topic is intended to have a shock and awe factor but that's not the case here. As far as what, exactly, to divulge to the internet and to my 5 or 10 regular readers, I still haven't decided. I've already done a lot of pondering and erasing. In fact, I don't know that it is good or healthy to talk about specific occasions...at least not to go into detail. I don't want to implant negative scenarios or thoughts about this topic; only to inform, educate, and encourage.
If you have read previous blog posts you know that I've been struggling with depression since the months before Shoshana was born. Actually, I grew up thinking about death all the time and thinking it was normal to do so. As far as I can remember I've had signs and symptoms of depression but my mother says that I began to look at life with too much seriousness when I was about 10. So we'll say it started around 10 years old though I know for sure that the thoughts of suicide were already pretty pervasive by then.
For some, contemplating suicide is about revenge, trying to hurt someone, but for most it is an escape. For me it was a guaranteed escape straight into the arms of Jesus. I can't stand the suffering, the sick and the poor with no one to help them; the abused and the ignored, the inappropriate compensation to our entertainers while teachers hardly make a living; the injustice of it all! I'm not content with the concept of the evil and the good getting their just rewards in the afterlife. I want them to experience and understand what they're doing right now! Three times while in college I had a plan and intended to carry it out but for various reasons it never came to pass. Mostly because I didn't want to put my family and friends through something like that. I just wanted to escape but I didn't want to hurt anyone else in the process.
Once my nursing program started and I learned that it is not usual to have thoughts of suicide, in fact it is grounds enough to lock someone away, then I figured I needed some outside help. After two entire grueling days of learning about me and trying to figure out what is motivating all the darkness and despair my counselor said "it seems you have an overarching sense of justice." Both my mom and I gasped. Duh! Justice has always been my motivator, my life goal. Most... if not, all... of my suicidal episodes were precipitated from this pervasive feeling of inadequacy, that I could never do enough, that the way for me to affect change is blocked and I don't see anywhere else to go. Whatever I'm trying to accomplish is not enough to make a significant impact. It is never enough. I can never do enough.
Simply understanding that about myself helped me combat those thoughts with Truth and channel my feelings into something more productive for a time.
For about three years after meeting regularly with that counselor things were relatively under control. I graduated from college, got my first job, and got married. Things were great! That is, until I got pregnant. While actively trying to NOT get pregnant. After being married THREE MONTHS. At the time I was content with the idea of God being in control and he must know what he's doing to facilitate me getting pregnant so far ahead of our expectations despite my aversion to having any children for a couple of years. I was even excited about having a baby every once in a while. By the time I was 6 months pregnant I had quit my nursing job for various reasons and couldn't find another job right away. I had to spend too much time alone. The intrusive thoughts escalated exponentially, too powerful for me to ignore or redirect any longer and all the other non-pharmacologic methods were far too weak to help me fight the battle. I was drowning in my own mind. Like, puberty x4. No longer did I care about God's sovereignty. He clearly wasn't the god he claimed to be if he would put me through this. The world wasn't just coming to an end, it was coming to an end at every minute and every second that it didn't actually come to an end was just the torturous delay of the peaceful inevitable. Death was too tempting despite the baby in my womb. I made a plan and waited for the opportunity to act. A few days passed and the urgency lifted. A few more days and I felt myself dunking into the ocean of despair, the shouting voices confirming what I've known all along: I'm not good enough. I can't do enough to make a difference, especially in this state. It would be better to end it all. It would be better for my family and friends to end it all, to relieve them of the burden of me... but it would hurt Tim. And I didn't want to hurt Tim.
So at 7 months pregnant I snitched on myself for the sake of my husband. The one person I still cared about in the quagmire to some small degree.
That was the first of three separate instances where I was put on 24/7 watch while I adjusted to medication. The other option was calling the nice young men in long white coats to retrieve me from the Dr.'s office.
At this point I have remained relatively stable on a high dose of Zoloft for three months. The intrusive thoughts are not gone, but they are easily manageable. More manageable then they have been in my entire life! What's more, I don't have nightmares! Did you know that nightly night terrors is unusual? To tense up in anticipation of sleeping and jump out of bed as soon as you were awake so you could slam the door on the memories of the panic, the terror, the gore and death as soon as possible? Did you know you are supposed to feel rested when you get up instead of gasping from panic and tense from running and climbing and jumping to your death only to have the nightmare reset? Did you know??? I didn't. They were so common and pervasive that I didn't even notice when they first were gone because I had gotten so good at ignoring them and moving on each morning. They had to come back and leave a second time before, one night while preparing for bed, I realized that I was so relaxed! What is this "relaxed?" And why did it feel foreign? I thought I was good at relaxing before bed but this feeling was on a completely different plane! What was the reason for that? I wasn't beginning to relive the nightmare from the night before bit by bit as my mind began to prepare itself for the upcoming stress.
As a matter of fact, I am tensing up a little right now because I forgot to take my evening dose of medication before bed last night and the nightmare that evolved as the morning dose wore off overnight is already beginning to replay.
All of this to say: this is what I'm going through. Please don't hesitate to get help if you think you might need it. Asking for help isn't as bad as it sounds. Most people are happy to help if they only understand what's going on. For those of you who notice that things are not right with someone you are close to, please ask them questions. Don't let them dodge away. Maybe you need to ask them if they have thought about committing suicide. If they say yes ask if they have a plan. If they say yes, ask them if they are willing to get professional help. That is when you know things are above your pay grade, when someone admits to having a plan. Something needs to be done immediately or they just might pull it off when you have your back turned.
There are as many ways to manage depression as there are people. Yes, there are a lot of underlying issues that contribute to depression and each person needs a different combination of therapies to both manage their symptoms and deal with the underlying causes. Some can do that without medication. I desperately need medication and at this point it appears I'll need medication for the rest of my life. If that means no more nightmares, I think I can handle that. Actually, I could use stepping up to a more aggressive medication but the potential side effects outweigh the potential benefits at this point. It took over a year to find the medication and dose that works for me and at some time that will change again. But right now I'm glad to not have to adjust anything.
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