Blog of the day: day 1 - Your current relationship.

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Married. Taken. In love. Not as passionate as when we were first married.

My husband is almost everything I asked for in a man. Given, I didn't set any "husband" qualifications until I was almost 20 years old and most of the list included points that I believed God thought important in a man. Things like dependability, looking to Christ as his strength, respecting his mother and treated her well, etc. However, there was one thing in particular that I had on the list that is not part of Tim. He is not an alpha male. That is a good thing.

It turns out that I don't need an alpha male to ensure I don't "run over" him. I need a sentimental man who wears his emotions on his sleeve. A sweetheart to catch me when I shatter into a thousand oozing pieces and lift me up to the Lord. A man who expresses himself and encourages me to do the same. To... what? Validate my feelings? Phooey. Feelings are to be controlled, managed, not acknowledged, don't you know? They are an expression of our nature that has no desire to please God. Mostly they are selfish, self-serving, wholly evil. We are to be spiritual soldiers!

Oops.

In my despair and horribly unbalanced hormones I began to accept things as reality that were not true. God created me. He created feelings. In fact, he feels feelings far more profoundly than we can imagine. And we were not designed to live with despair. We are not designed to accept death as a part of the "circle of life." We are designed to live with the hope of the life beyond this. The joy of participating in this life. The peace of knowing that God is in control.

I'm having a hard time translating that head knowledge into heart knowledge. I am still experiencing a lot of pain because of the time in my life that I feel was lost to depression. That constricting black box that shuts out sky, colors, light itself. What kind of loving God would allow some of the situations that triggered my crashes? Why has he done some of the things in my life that he has done?

Who I think God is and who I believe he is are two different things right now. And my husband is okay with that. He doesn't ask me to buck up or snap out of it. He doesn't shove a Bible under my nose and tell me to be more "Christ-like;" whatever that means. He is walking with me through this time. A gentle shoulder to cry on, a file to sharpen, a partner to lift me up when I fall, a man to love me and sacrifice his wants and desires for my good.

Thank you Tim. I love you.
Thank you Lord.