The Valley of the Shadow of Death

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

When you read Psalm 23 and get to verse 4 what do you think of when you read the phrase "the valley of the shadow of death?" To David, every valley was probably viewed with suspicion because they were potentially such excellent places to be ambushed by Saul and his men. The area where he was on the run is very rugged. We're not talking about rolling hills and valleys here. These are wind carved, steep sided valleys where all you needed was a rock to be lethal because the other side is generally a stone's throw away. However, they were also necessary to traverse because of the ruggedness of the terrain. He couldn't exactly go around every valley or walk every ridge to avoid ambush.

Oh, how there are parallels in our lives.

Over the past several months I have been impressed with the necessity, and lack, of openness among Christians. A conversation usually starts with "how are you?" and the answer is always "fine" even when the person is not fine. I purposed a few months ago to answer that question more honestly. If someone asks how I'm doing I have to be willing to say "I'm stressed out" or even just "meh," but not "fine" if I'm not actually "fine." It is much easier to pray for one another if you have a specific idea what to pray. And how can we properly "encourage one another" with any meaning if we don't know why someone might need encouragement? And how can we be edified by anyone's teaching if we don't admit there is a problem?

I have a problem, It is called depression. I have been clinically depressed since I was about 13. At least, that is when I remember the suicidal thoughts beginning. They were so prevalent and continuous that they became part of the background noise of my life. Imagine my shock when I went to nursing school and found out that everyone else DOESN'T live with constant thoughts of death; that it is actually a BAD thing!

I won't go into detail here, but just imagine how much more difficult it was to handle my daily struggle during and after pregnancy.

Ever since I have been willing to be more honest with people I have been amazed at how many people want to be more open with each other, but aren't sure where to start. Rather than saying "fine" and the other person saying "fine," my conversations are more meaningful, more heartfelt, more about problems and solutions than denial. Most importantly, my conversations have more to do with what the Lord is doing in my life and in others' lives. It is difficult to discuss those sorts of things if you aren't willing to talk about the issues that bring up the hardships that pave the way for the lessons.

Yes, there are risks involved with opening up your heart to other people about your problems. I have had well-intentioned people ask me about what bitterness I'm holding onto to bring up these horrible thoughts even though I have been through years of counseling in which I believe I have dealt with every important issue (and my counselor agrees) yet my symptoms of depression have gotten worse. And although I have had medical training, though I have beaten cancer with homeopathic therapies, and though I have done a lot of personal research, I still get funny looks and comments when people find out I am taking an antidepressant. Apparently some people believe that there is no such thing as primary depression, depression that is a part of your life even though you haven't had any special traumatic "triggering event."

Get this: I have primary depression. At least, I'm pretty sure I do. If I don't, it doesn't matter to me at this point because God has told me that I shouldn't worry about that right now. The time for figuring out "why" is over and past. Right now I'm supposed to live in the present, learning how to love my daughter and my husband instead of fretting over why I can go from stable to suicidal in a second.

Oh well. It is more important for me to be open and honest about what I am going through and how God is dealing with me oh so gently than to be afraid of a few strange comments or looks.

So, back to the beginning question.

To me, the valley of the shadow of death is just that: the shadow of death. My death. At my own hand. And the spirit of death willing me to end it all. All the pain, the hardship, the toil, the suffering, the sight of all this INJUSTICE! This dead world with its dead hearts and evil people; to end it and join my father in Heaven where I belong. Oh, how I long for heaven! There are times when I feel like waiting for heaven is like going through childbirth again (Rom. 8:22).

But Praise the Lord that the chapter doesn't end there! No matter where I walk, though it be through they be green pastures or the valley of the shadow of death, my focus should be on Him, my shepherd. Not the spectre, not my sense of inadequacy or impatience or discontentment. He is with me wherever I go. His tools of guidance, instruction, and discipline (his rod and his staff) comfort me. They remind me that I am important to him. Important enough to require his attention, his care, his direction and discipline. Important enough to be alive and to stay alive. Though this life is tough, my Lord wants me here, and he wants me to continue to live for Him.

Pickling and Canning

I had promised a friend or two to share pictures and descriptions of my pickling and canning activities this fall. Here they are a few months late.

We had a bountiful harvest of green beans, corn, peppers, tomatoes, beets, squash, and lettuce. Of course, our family of two couldn't possibly eat all of the harvest before they went bad. Therefore, canning and pickling! Besides that, we had a threat of frost in the middle of September so I decided to harvest our remaining green tomatoes early instead of risk them being frozen overnight. With those I made enough sweet pickle relish to last three or four years. I hope our friends like canned goods because they're probably going to get plenty of them over the next year. :)

The steps of making pickle relish: Clean the veggies, cut off undesirable parts, process in a food processor, measure product to match recipe...

...Place all chopped veggies in a bowl, add salt for brining, cover with water, cover bowl and allow to brine overnight.

One of three bowls of sweet pickle makings. Time required to this point: about six hours. The next day the veggies are drained and cooked in a sugar/vinegar/spice soup, strained, and put into pint jars. They are then boiled for 10 minutes to heat up the liquid and allow for creating a seal as the liquid cools. Time required for canning: about 20 minutes per batch. Batches this year: ~12.

I experimented with our tried and true recipe this year. One batch has half sugar half molasses in it, and two batches have various amounts of garlic and jalapeno peppers for those who like spice.

The process of making dilly beans: clean and snap ends off beans. Put head of dill, garlic, and spices in jar. Put in as many beans as possible into the jar. Top off jar with boiling salt/vinegar/water recipe.


Spices in jar. Cayenne pepper added as an experiment.


Ta da!

The set up for all canned goods: one pan to heat the lids, heated filler for the jars, boiling water for the "hot water bath" and preheated oven full of empty, clean jars. The goal is to have everything hot in the jar at the same time so that the jars don't burst during the hot water bath.

Dilly beans cooling. Yum! And super easy!

One bowl of beautiful tomatoes. Believe it or not, I don't like raw tomatoes. However, I make the best spaghetti sauce. Imagine this bowl overflowing and that is about half our harvest.

This spaghetti sauce is almost done. The tomatoes were put whole (minus stems) into the food processor and left on the stove on low for 8 hours to cook it down. I then sauteed a big skillet of sausage, garlic, onions, peppers, celery, and lots of herbs. I combine them then season to taste, and let it cook for another hour or so.

Perspective.

The cans of spaghetti sauce are boiled for 60 minutes to kill any remaining bacteria (overabundance of vinegar allows for the short boiling time for the pickle relish) before being cooled and shelved. I thought I had a picture of the shelves full of canned goods but apparently not. I'm going to have to post that because it makes me so happy!

Four months of preparing the soil; planting, cultivating, watering, and feeding the plants; and one month straight of harvesting and canning produced shelves full of pickled beets, dilly beans, green beans, pickle relish, and spaghetti sauce. Besides those things I grew myself I also prepared and canned blackberry jelly, apple sauce, and peaches. We also have pumpkin and squash in the freezer ready for Shoshana's meals. It may be a lot of work, but I enjoy it. Especially doing canning with other people, like my mom. It makes a hard job a bit more enjoyable. Sometimes the process is really tedious but I still enjoy most of it (probably all except the inevitable back ache of canning all day for four weeks straight). My favorite part is definitely wiping down the cooled jars and putting them on the shelf. My second favorite part is working the soil with my hands.

Shelves full of jars!

Reflection Questions for 2009

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Shoshana joined our family.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Shoshana joined our family.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

The first time Shoshana showed stranger anxiety which was IMMEDIATELY remedied as soon as she saw me again. She refused to take her eyes off me again until her next nap.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

Staying sane when Shoshana cried. Never expected that one.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.

What the heck?! (seriously)

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

I love you. :)

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).

Growing pains, incredible!

8. What were the best books you read this year?

Rebel With A Cause, by Franklin Graham. I've been challenged with the concept of "God room." i.e. seeing a need and committing to provide for that need even when it seems impossible, giving God room to work and get all the glory.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

My husband

My daughter

My mom

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

Wife ----> Mother

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

It took me a while to allow myself to love Shoshana (and I'm still working on it) because I'm still dealing with my trust issues with God. It is rather scary to let your heart grow to allow for another person in there because it also allows for incredible pain. Please pray for me that I would continue to get to know God's heart and learn to trust him no matter what challenges he allows in my life.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

A few months ago the Lord showed me that my quiet time had devolved into "I'm supposed to do this" rather than "I want to do this" and I felt he wanted me to back off from that mentality. My relationship with Him had become more of a duty and less of a relationship. He then brought to mind the verse "Be still and know that I am God." He impressed upon me that he wanted me to develop our relationship by meditating on Him and constantly being in an attitude of prayer and putting away the "daily quiet hour" until it became more of an act of love rather than duty.

Fast forward to this last week. Tim and I have been brainstorming on writing a really meaty song about Christ which may be added to the Christmas repertoire (but would also apply to any other season). In doing so we have discussed the idea of what God really wants from us. He made us for a purpose. What was that purpose? My answer was "worship." But upon discussing what "worship" means and what I mean by the term "worship" I realized that my concept was completely wrong. I was thinking of singing, praying, "doing" quiet time, and "doing" lots of other things. But God really wants friendship. "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." He wants to hang out with us. And in that process we learn to appreciate him and what is important to him. Then, because we appreciate him and value his friendship we change our actions accordingly.

I was missing the step of "hanging out" with Christ and becoming his friend and skipping right to the "dos" and "do nots." Not that those good actions were wrong, I was just losing sight of why. Praise the Lord for dealing with me patiently and graciously. He has brought a lot of hard knocks recently so it is refreshing to have a quieter, calmer lesson plan. Please pray that I will transition back into specific daily quiet time with the Lord and not lose sight of why at the same time.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

I had a baby. Let's just leave it at that.

Or, let's not. How many of you continued to wear maternity clothes for 6 months plus post-partum? Am I the only one? My new year's resolution is to get out of the house and do some concentrated physical activity six days a week. Right now I'm coaching volleyball twice a week plus weekend tournaments and most of the time my activity level during a practice counts as a workout for me. So now I just have to pack Shoshana up in the stroller and walk around the neighborhood 4 days a week (minus tournament weekends).

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

I'm not entirely sure what this question means and I'm not inclined to answer it anyway.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?

The animals. I love doing their daily care even if I don't always get to it. I find it completely relaxing to take care of the chickens and just watch them for a bit. I also really enjoy vegetable gardening. We had a wonderful harvest this year despite our bad soil conditions. We ate a lot of fresh veggies for a few months there and even had extras to give to another family. I got lots of things canned which will allow for healthier eating and lots of healthy (and tasty) baby foods for Shoshana. Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed just the sight of the shelves full of my homegrown and canned goods helps me feel better. Maybe now I'll get around to posting the canning photos with corresponding descriptions.

16. What was your most challenging area of home management?

Keeping the floors clean. I like to have clean floors but I can't clean the bathroom floor and the mirror on the same day because of my weak shoulders. It also takes two days to clean everything in the bathroom for the same reason. Tim has promised to help keep the hard floors clean but I don't like to remind him to do it. Therefore, it doesn't get done. Sometimes I spot clean in the kitchen by pushing around a rag with my foot.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Recorded TV. Because it is recorded a 1 hour program takes 40 minutes (minus commercials) so I am tempted to watch a lot more in a row than I would have otherwise.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Doing the garden and canning everything I could.

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?

See question 12.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.

Didn't I already do that? See above.