The Valley of the Shadow of Death

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

¹ The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

When you read Psalm 23 and get to verse 4 what do you think of when you read the phrase "the valley of the shadow of death?" To David, every valley was probably viewed with suspicion because they were potentially such excellent places to be ambushed by Saul and his men. The area where he was on the run is very rugged. We're not talking about rolling hills and valleys here. These are wind carved, steep sided valleys where all you needed was a rock to be lethal because the other side is generally a stone's throw away. However, they were also necessary to traverse because of the ruggedness of the terrain. He couldn't exactly go around every valley or walk every ridge to avoid ambush.

Oh, how there are parallels in our lives.

Over the past several months I have been impressed with the necessity, and lack, of openness among Christians. A conversation usually starts with "how are you?" and the answer is always "fine" even when the person is not fine. I purposed a few months ago to answer that question more honestly. If someone asks how I'm doing I have to be willing to say "I'm stressed out" or even just "meh," but not "fine" if I'm not actually "fine." It is much easier to pray for one another if you have a specific idea what to pray. And how can we properly "encourage one another" with any meaning if we don't know why someone might need encouragement? And how can we be edified by anyone's teaching if we don't admit there is a problem?

I have a problem, It is called depression. I have been clinically depressed since I was about 13. At least, that is when I remember the suicidal thoughts beginning. They were so prevalent and continuous that they became part of the background noise of my life. Imagine my shock when I went to nursing school and found out that everyone else DOESN'T live with constant thoughts of death; that it is actually a BAD thing!

I won't go into detail here, but just imagine how much more difficult it was to handle my daily struggle during and after pregnancy.

Ever since I have been willing to be more honest with people I have been amazed at how many people want to be more open with each other, but aren't sure where to start. Rather than saying "fine" and the other person saying "fine," my conversations are more meaningful, more heartfelt, more about problems and solutions than denial. Most importantly, my conversations have more to do with what the Lord is doing in my life and in others' lives. It is difficult to discuss those sorts of things if you aren't willing to talk about the issues that bring up the hardships that pave the way for the lessons.

Yes, there are risks involved with opening up your heart to other people about your problems. I have had well-intentioned people ask me about what bitterness I'm holding onto to bring up these horrible thoughts even though I have been through years of counseling in which I believe I have dealt with every important issue (and my counselor agrees) yet my symptoms of depression have gotten worse. And although I have had medical training, though I have beaten cancer with homeopathic therapies, and though I have done a lot of personal research, I still get funny looks and comments when people find out I am taking an antidepressant. Apparently some people believe that there is no such thing as primary depression, depression that is a part of your life even though you haven't had any special traumatic "triggering event."

Get this: I have primary depression. At least, I'm pretty sure I do. If I don't, it doesn't matter to me at this point because God has told me that I shouldn't worry about that right now. The time for figuring out "why" is over and past. Right now I'm supposed to live in the present, learning how to love my daughter and my husband instead of fretting over why I can go from stable to suicidal in a second.

Oh well. It is more important for me to be open and honest about what I am going through and how God is dealing with me oh so gently than to be afraid of a few strange comments or looks.

So, back to the beginning question.

To me, the valley of the shadow of death is just that: the shadow of death. My death. At my own hand. And the spirit of death willing me to end it all. All the pain, the hardship, the toil, the suffering, the sight of all this INJUSTICE! This dead world with its dead hearts and evil people; to end it and join my father in Heaven where I belong. Oh, how I long for heaven! There are times when I feel like waiting for heaven is like going through childbirth again (Rom. 8:22).

But Praise the Lord that the chapter doesn't end there! No matter where I walk, though it be through they be green pastures or the valley of the shadow of death, my focus should be on Him, my shepherd. Not the spectre, not my sense of inadequacy or impatience or discontentment. He is with me wherever I go. His tools of guidance, instruction, and discipline (his rod and his staff) comfort me. They remind me that I am important to him. Important enough to require his attention, his care, his direction and discipline. Important enough to be alive and to stay alive. Though this life is tough, my Lord wants me here, and he wants me to continue to live for Him.