Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.

Since I have already shared a bit about the lows, how about I counter with a few highs.

My sister and her oldest son visited in July and met Shoshana for the first time. They had been in China for 15 months.

We visited Tim's family in California over Christmas and the New Year and his youngest sister got married! We will do the same again this year since both of his sisters have had a baby recently.

Some dear friends got married last month! It was beautiful and personal.

Went on a week-long vacation with a bunch of friends to Montana where we relaxed, played games, went hiking, water skiing, and running (except me). Too bad that by the end all but two people were injured. I guess there would be a low that I haven't shared before. Tearing my achilles was really a bummer and still keeps me from participating in workouts and coaching sessions like I want to.

In March of this year, near the very end of the volleyball season, my girls won their first match of the season!

I'm really excited that the season is starting up again. We have tryouts for the older girls (my age group) this weekend. Please pray that some technical difficulties will be worked out so we can have a successful season this year!

Favorite Fall Recipe: Apple Pumpkin Soup

Apple Pumpkin Soup

1 large onion, chopped
1/2 pound of bacon, chopped
one 15-ounce can of pumpkin
1 cup water
2 cups apple cider
1/4 cup brown sugar
4 cubes chicken bouillon
1 apple, chopped and unpeeled 
dash of liquid smoke
salt, to taste
2 teaspoons white pepper
1/3 cup crystallized ginger, chopped

Sauté onion and bacon lightly in large pot. Add pumpkin, water, apple cider, brown sugar, chicken bouillon, apple, liquid smoke salt, white pepper, and crystallized ginger to the pot. Cover and simmer for 1 hour. Stir frequently. Blend to thicken in blender-size batches. Serve with sour cream: one teaspoon on each serving.

My personal modifications:

2 C fresh pumpkin meat instead of a can

1/2 tsp. ginger powder

Yogurt instead of sour cream to taste

The soup is excellent for leftovers and tastes even better the second day. It also freezes well as long as you don't add the milk product.

Divine.

Christmas Card Project

Bloggers get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly!

What better way for a style-challenged person to do artsy photo Christmas cards than using an online point and click website! W00t!

I'm using Shutterfly (now associated with Costco) to send out my second round of Christmas cards ever and if I post some stuff here on my blog then I get 50 of them for free! I can be persuaded to promote a fun product and a great service!

For our Christmas cards this year I plan to order this photo card design. Last year it was fun to use a design with one large picture for most of our out of town relatives and friends so they could get to know Shoshana. This year it will be fun to put multiple pictures on the card for some variety. For those of you who are also my friend on FB you are more than welcome to point out any photos you think should go on our card this year. I have a few ideas but nothing set in stone. Now that I have a family, I understand the appeal of Christmas cards. It is a reminder that even if we haven't had much contact over the year, we still think about you when it counts.

If you're looking for personalized family gifts you should also check out the photo mugs and the wall calendars. They are a lot of fun and super easy to design. Let's just say, after clicking around the calendar options, I couldn't help thinking of several people who would appreciate a personalized calendar like that... not saying anything more. :)

Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.

It seems the most important quality for mainstream music today is how "catchy" it is. To me that means boring. The musicality of a "catchy" song is a predictable baseline consisting of the three related melodic chords, a repetitive melody, and a harmony line so simple that I could hum it the first time ever hearing the song. If your goal is selling CDs then the smart thing to do is to compose what sells. If your goal is good music then you probably won't sell as much as the catchy stuff because it won't appeal to the widest audience.

Personally, I choose to listen to music that is more complex. Something with many layers and maybe a story. Soundtracks and classical music are my favorites.

What about you?

Day 15 - Your favorite tumblrs.

Since I'm not a part of tumblr and only have a vague understanding of what it is, I'll turn the question back at you.

What are YOUR favorite tumblrs and why?

Day 14 - Your earliest memory.

Oops. Behind again. It seems I don't get a chance to blog much on the weekends. Hmm, fancy that.

There are a few different memories that compete for the "earliest" spot. Truthfully, I'm not sure which it is. There is one where I'm in the crib and calling for mom. There is another where a guy at our church was dressed up as a clown and entertained us little kids. There are also the latent memories of getting my childhood vaccinations. I had three different vaccination visits and I can tell you the details of each one. That's how traumatic they were. That, and I had recurrent nightmares about them for 10 years.

Come the age of 16 when I was a short-term nanny and I went with the child's family to the doctor's office. Cue the X-files music. I actually had to sit down because my head got all light and it was hard to breathe. I knew the place, but I didn't know how. It took a few minutes of really sifting through memories before I placed it. It wasn't really the office I was remembering so much as remembering the details of my nightmares. I would watch the fish for a while before being escorted to the last room on the right. The nurse would give me a sweet smile then come at me with a syringe at which point I would freak out and run from the room, but I could only run about 10 feet because I wasn't tall enough to reach the handle for the door that led to the waiting room. My mom and the nurse would retrieve me at which point the dream would reset and I'd relive it several times a night.

Once again that doc is my doc and I deal with flashbacks every time I enter his office or walk through the door leading to the rooms. It's a good thing he's phenomenal or I probably wouldn't have gone back.

Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

Xocempich. I'd love to go back there some day. If you want to find out why you need to check out my letters home which I later posted. You can find them in the archives of 2006. My favorite post: USE RAID!

Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.

• Wake up.
• Give a good morning grunt to my husband.
• Take my medication.
• Start breakfast.
• Get Shoshana out of bed.
• Take her to the potty.
• Set her up with breakfast.
• Milk the goat.
• Feed and water the animals.
• Clean and refill the duck's pool.
• Clean Shoshana up after breakfast.
• Take her to the potty.
• Take her outside to greet the animals.
• Play inside.
• Juggle toddler and a phone interview at the same time.
• Take her to the potty
• Put Shoshana down for morning nap.
• Answer e-mail.
• Put 2 dozen eggs on porch in response to e-mail.
• Relax and watch an episode of the Dog Whisperer on Hulu.
• Prepare lunch.
• Get Shoshana out of bed.
• Take her to the potty.
• Serve lunch.
• Take a tour of a local day care.
• Stop by a local coffee shop for a treat and to support local business... but it's out of business! Sad!
• Take Shoshana to the potty.
• Play with her - reading, coloring, climbing, spinning on the office chair... etc.
• Catch up on online news / blogs / e-mails while Shoshana plays alone.
• Taker her to the potty.
• Put her down for afternoon nap.
• Realize that my baseline functioning is still not doing so well and I can't handle tackling household chores.
• Cope with intrusive thoughts by reading, watching tv, and playing games on comp.
• Reward myself for a day well done despite the circumstances with macaroni and cheese for dinner.
• Call Tim to verify evening plans.
• Retrieve money from selling the 2 dozen eggs.
• Get Shoshana out of bed.
• Take her to the potty.
• Feed her dinner and get ready to go.
• Go to Freeing the Family seminar at my church.
• Give a friend a ride home (while Tim takes Shoshana home and puts her to bed).
• Finish this post while Tim watches House - ick.
• Take medication.
• Go to bed.

Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

Since I don't have an ipod and use Windows Media Center instead, I'll do that. Considering how long it's been since I've just let the thing play I'm pleased with how many of my favorite songs came up.

1. Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea - Duke Ellington
2. Track 9 from Peter Schmalfuss CD of Debussy piano compositions.
3. Father, Spirit, Jesus - Casting Crowns
4. Escape from Snyder - Newsies
5. Appalachian Spring - Aaron Copeland
6. Crayons Can Melt On Us for All I Care - Relient K
7. Losing Grip - Avril Lavigne
8. My Funny Friend and Me - David Hartley (The Emperor's New Groove soundtrack)
9. All'improvviso Amore - Josh Groban
10. Nothing Else I Need - Jeremy Camp

Day 10 - Discuss your first love and first kiss.

It depends on what you consider to be my "first love." My first crush lasted over 10 years but I never really got to know him. He ran in different circles and, thus, I could not break the crush by willpower because I didn't really know the guy. I only knew what I saw from a distance. Eventually, he moved away and I saw him less and less. The crush really didn't dissipate until I became interested in other guys. In my mind there have only been two guys in my life. The one that I hardly knew, and the man that became my husband.

I dated three guys before meeting Tim. They were all good guys, but not the ones for me, and I didn't kiss any of them. When Tim and I began spending more time together and getting to know each other I made it clear that it was important for me to not kiss until we were married. If any of you are familiar with the book "The 5 Love Languages" you'll know what I mean when I say my primary love language is touch. Essentially, we all have basic ways of expressing and accepting love. The most impactful kind of expression to me has always been touch. Often, the more obvious signs that someone's primary love language is touch is how much they touch other people. Either they are very huggy because that is special to them or they avoid touching people altogether because it is too special to them to be given away freely. I am of the latter generalization.

Even during our dating period there were points at which my mom warned Tim that he was occasionally putting me in difficult situations because he didn't understand how important any kind of touch was to me. Tim understood what she meant by that after we were married.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'd gone 22 years without kissing a boy. One more year wasn't going to kill me. Don't get me wrong: it was REALLY HARD and it is NOT FOR EVERYONE. But I knew enough about myself by that point to know that kissing would be crossing a line in my mind. I equated kissing to a form of intimacy which would be wrong for me to do before marriage. So our wedding day rolls around and I walk down the aisle with my dad and sister (we had a double wedding) and I was virtually floating down the aisle. I wasn't just getting married, I would get to kiss him in a few minutes! And, oh, how much I wanted to kiss him!

30 minutes later the pastor mentioned that I had saved my first kiss for Tim and we were now husband and wife and "you can now kiss..." I don't think I let him finish the sentence before I jumped on him. At least, that's what I felt like I was doing but the video doesn't look quite as enthusiastic as I remember. But the kiss itself is a lot longer than I remember. Oh, and the hoots and hollers and cheers were a lot louder than I remember. I was finally kissing my husband! And it was a little awkward.

We practically ran down the aisle, allowed our parties to congratulate us, then we scurried off to a nearby corner to get in some more practice.

No, we didn't notice the sign. It was 100% candid. Which is why it is one of my favorite wedding pictures.

I'm glad I made that decision for myself and Tim was so supportive, despite being quite eager.

And... don't worry, we're much better at it now.

Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.

Not sure how to answer this any differently than the day 2 post. Any suggestions?

Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

Two months after marrying Tim I got to move from full-time night shift to full-time day shift. We had the same sleep schedules, we were raking in the money and researching various ministry options for both short and long-term. Life was good.

That lasted two months.

Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

I'm a Libra and I don't care. Each of the horoscopes are written in the broadest terms possible so that anyone could see themselves in them.

Day 06 - Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.

(Trying to catch up after spending several days writing the last post.)

Interesting facts, huh? Guess normal facts don't cut it.

1. I said "I love you" to my daughter for the first time two weeks ago. (!) Progress?
2. I leak when I yawn. I can't help it. Yawning just makes my eyes water.
3. Despite traveling to several countries, I have never been homesick.
4. I need lots of time by myself to recharge after being social. Generally about twice as much time as I spend in a given social situation.
5. My husband is the greatest dad in the world!
6. I am coming to terms with the concept that I may never be ready to have another child.
7. I love Google Reader. You all should too.
8. I ran for state office at 19 years old.
9. Despite playing several sports and being very active, all my major injuries came from doing nothing spectacular or flat out goofing off.
10. I have two torn ligaments in my right ankle.
11. One of those is the achilles which I am currently in therapy for.
12. I have a high tolerance for pain. When I tore my achilles I reacted so little that my friends were surprised to see any damage. Only months later did they understand that it was a serious injury because I was still limping.
13. I am passionate about teaching. For that reason I can't give up coaching volleyball no matter how many hours I work at some other job.
14. For a year I was a Roleplay GM on a team that relaunched an MMORPG called Underlight after being dropped by the original developers. It is now in its third reiteration under player management despite having the same emulation technology it was originally launched with in 1998.
15. I was introduced to Underlight in 1999 and played it for a few months then never played again until I was soon to graduate from college. I still pop in for some creativity now and then.
16. I love wounds!
17. I avoid processed food as much as possible but don't stress about it when that is not possible.
18. I have a mini-farm: 16 chickens, 1 rooster, 2 milking goats, currently 1 buck on rent, and 1 cat.
19. My favorite homemade dish is quiche: spinach, celery, onion, parsley, and basil from the garden; bacon, goat milk, goat yogurt, fresh eggs, and sharp cheese. A bit labor intensive but OH SO GOOD!
20. 70% of the time I don't like cooking. 30% of the time I love it. But 100% of the time I hate washing dishes.
21. My favorite book is the Lord of the Rings.
22. I am playing a Ringwraith in a LotR festival next Spring in Oak Harbor.
23. My original college major was Linguistics.
24. I went on a choir tour of England after which two of my friends and I spent 5 days in Rome. One of the best trips ever!
25. My husband's family lives almost exclusively in the greater LA area. His parents are 20 minutes from Disneyland. I like having free lodging with super cool people around major theme parks.
26. I hate roller coasters.
27. But I love flying and skiing.
28. I gave birth to a roller coaster junkie. We're looking forward to taking her to theme parks. Tim will ride with her and I'll eat cotton candy and wave and take pictures from the ground.
29. I showed animals at the King County and Puyallup fairs one year when I was about 12 or 13. I returned to the Puyallup fair for the first time this year. Nostalgia!
30. I haven't been car camping for around 10 years but I've been backpacking several times in the last three years. I don't know that I can ever go back.

Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.

****Please note: even though I censor myself here this is not a topic for everyone. Especially not young ones.****

This is a toughie. I don't know where to start.

It seems this topic is intended to have a shock and awe factor but that's not the case here. As far as what, exactly, to divulge to the internet and to my 5 or 10 regular readers, I still haven't decided. I've already done a lot of pondering and erasing. In fact, I don't know that it is good or healthy to talk about specific occasions...at least not to go into detail. I don't want to implant negative scenarios or thoughts about this topic; only to inform, educate, and encourage.

If you have read previous blog posts you know that I've been struggling with depression since the months before Shoshana was born. Actually, I grew up thinking about death all the time and thinking it was normal to do so. As far as I can remember I've had signs and symptoms of depression but my mother says that I began to look at life with too much seriousness when I was about 10. So we'll say it started around 10 years old though I know for sure that the thoughts of suicide were already pretty pervasive by then.

For some, contemplating suicide is about revenge, trying to hurt someone, but for most it is an escape. For me it was a guaranteed escape straight into the arms of Jesus. I can't stand the suffering, the sick and the poor with no one to help them; the abused and the ignored, the inappropriate compensation to our entertainers while teachers hardly make a living; the injustice of it all! I'm not content with the concept of the evil and the good getting their just rewards in the afterlife. I want them to experience and understand what they're doing right now! Three times while in college I had a plan and intended to carry it out but for various reasons it never came to pass. Mostly because I didn't want to put my family and friends through something like that. I just wanted to escape but I didn't want to hurt anyone else in the process.

Once my nursing program started and I learned that it is not usual to have thoughts of suicide, in fact it is grounds enough to lock someone away, then I figured I needed some outside help. After two entire grueling days of learning about me and trying to figure out what is motivating all the darkness and despair my counselor said "it seems you have an overarching sense of justice." Both my mom and I gasped. Duh! Justice has always been my motivator, my life goal. Most... if not, all... of my suicidal episodes were precipitated from this pervasive feeling of inadequacy, that I could never do enough, that the way for me to affect change is blocked and I don't see anywhere else to go. Whatever I'm trying to accomplish is not enough to make a significant impact. It is never enough. I can never do enough.

Simply understanding that about myself helped me combat those thoughts with Truth and channel my feelings into something more productive for a time.

For about three years after meeting regularly with that counselor things were relatively under control. I graduated from college, got my first job, and got married. Things were great! That is, until I got pregnant. While actively trying to NOT get pregnant. After being married THREE MONTHS. At the time I was content with the idea of God being in control and he must know what he's doing to facilitate me getting pregnant so far ahead of our expectations despite my aversion to having any children for a couple of years. I was even excited about having a baby every once in a while. By the time I was 6 months pregnant I had quit my nursing job for various reasons and couldn't find another job right away. I had to spend too much time alone. The intrusive thoughts escalated exponentially, too powerful for me to ignore or redirect any longer and all the other non-pharmacologic methods were far too weak to help me fight the battle. I was drowning in my own mind. Like, puberty x4. No longer did I care about God's sovereignty. He clearly wasn't the god he claimed to be if he would put me through this. The world wasn't just coming to an end, it was coming to an end at every minute and every second that it didn't actually come to an end was just the torturous delay of the peaceful inevitable.  Death was too tempting despite the baby in my womb. I made a plan and waited for the opportunity to act. A few days passed and the urgency lifted. A few more days and I felt myself dunking into the ocean of despair, the shouting voices confirming what I've known all along: I'm not good enough. I can't do enough to make a difference, especially in this state. It would be better to end it all. It would be better for my family and friends to end it all, to relieve them of the burden of me... but it would hurt Tim. And I didn't want to hurt Tim.

So at 7 months pregnant I snitched on myself for the sake of my husband. The one person I still cared about in the quagmire to some small degree.

That was the first of three separate instances where I was put on 24/7 watch while I adjusted to medication. The other option was calling the nice young men in long white coats to retrieve me from the Dr.'s office.


At this point I have remained relatively stable on a high dose of Zoloft for three months. The intrusive thoughts are not gone, but they are easily manageable. More manageable then they have been in my entire life! What's more, I don't have nightmares! Did you know that nightly night terrors is unusual? To tense up in anticipation of sleeping and jump out of bed as soon as you were awake so you could slam the door on the memories of the panic, the terror, the gore and death as soon as possible? Did you know you are supposed to feel rested when you get up instead of gasping from panic and tense from running and climbing and jumping to your death only to have the nightmare reset? Did you know??? I didn't. They were so common and pervasive that I didn't even notice when they first were gone because I had gotten so good at ignoring them and moving on each morning. They had to come back and leave a second time before, one night while preparing for bed, I realized that I was so relaxed! What is this "relaxed?" And why did it feel foreign? I thought I was good at relaxing before bed but this feeling was on a completely different plane! What was the reason for that? I wasn't beginning to relive the nightmare from the night before bit by bit as my mind began to prepare itself for the upcoming stress.

As a matter of fact, I am tensing up a little right now because I forgot to take my evening dose of medication before bed last night and the nightmare that evolved as the morning dose wore off overnight is already beginning to replay.

All of this to say: this is what I'm going through. Please don't hesitate to get help if you think you might need it. Asking for help isn't as bad as it sounds. Most people are happy to help if they only understand what's going on. For those of you who notice that things are not right with someone you are close to, please ask them questions. Don't let them dodge away. Maybe you need to ask them if they have thought about committing suicide. If they say yes ask if they have a plan. If they say yes, ask them if they are willing to get professional help. That is when you know things are above your pay grade, when someone admits to having a plan. Something needs to be done immediately or they just might pull it off when you have your back turned.

There are as many ways to manage depression as there are people. Yes, there are a lot of underlying issues that contribute to depression and each person needs a different combination of therapies to both manage their symptoms and deal with the underlying causes. Some can do that without medication. I desperately need medication and at this point it appears I'll need medication for the rest of my life. If that means no more nightmares, I think I can handle that. Actually, I could use stepping up to a more aggressive medication but the potential side effects outweigh the potential benefits at this point. It took over a year to find the medication and dose that works for me and at some time that will change again. But right now I'm glad to not have to adjust anything.

Day 04 - Your views on religion.

This is a good question. Nice and broad.
In fact, the concept of religion, Christian culture, and Christian life has been a constant background thought process of mine ever since going to a Christian college with some different doctrines than those which I grew up with. The greatest impression I left college with is how sad it is to see Christians being divided over silly things; things that are not essential to Salvation. There are plenty of differences in doctrine between Protestant churches, let alone between Protestants and Catholics and Lutherans etc. Besides that, the more I study about American culture and missionary work the more I realize that many self-proclaimed conservative Christians are slipping back into the recipe of "do's" and "don't's" of the Jews then we try and transplant that culture into other cultures instead of trying to spread the Good News and just the Good News! Rules such as don't let your kids be brainwashed at public schools, do study and believe in young earth Creationism and propagate that teaching wherever you go, do set up a strict courtship ritual with your daughter long before she is eligible, do require your daughters to stay at home until they get married, don't drink, don't socialize with "wicked people" and on and on and on.

I, for one, am glad that Jesus spoke with tax collectors and harlots and sinners for I was a sinner before I gave up my pride and thanked Jesus for paying the price for my crimes and committing to follow him the rest of my life. He deigned to spend time with me: a non-practicing Jew born from a generation of non-practicing Jews. Such a big no no! For some people it would take a lot of chutzpah to have anything to do with the God of the Jews after that! Anyway... Unfortunately, at some point, the Jews lost the meaning of the rituals and sacrifices and thought of them as the end-all to righteousness instead of seeing them as a series of big fat arrows pointing to Yeshua, the Messiah. We know this because Jesus spends a lot of his time razing the Jewish leaders of the day who were more interested in rituals and looking good than teaching the people about Jehovah. Also, Jesus and many of the New Testament writers spend a lot of time discussing this topic of ritual, or "religion," versus commitment.

At this point it would be beneficial for me to define what I think to be core beliefs to being a Christ-follower. My favorite encapsulation of the Christian faith is the Nicene Creed, originally drafted in 325 AD, the modern (and slightly clarified) version called the 1975 ecumenical version (ICET) is what I will quote here (thanks to www.Wikipedia.com).

We believe in one God,

the Father, the Almighty

maker of heaven and earth,

of all that is, seen and unseen.

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,

the only Son of God,

eternally begotten of the Father,

God from God, Light from Light,

true God from true God,

begotten, not made,

of one Being with the Father.

Through him all things were made.

For us men and for our salvation

he came down from heaven:

by the power of the Holy Spirit

he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary, and was made man.

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;

he suffered death and was buried.

On the third day he rose again

in accordance with the Scriptures;

he ascended into heaven

and is seated at the right hand of the Father.

He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead,

and his kingdom will have no end

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of Life,

who proceeds from the Father and the Son.

With the Father and the Son he is worshipped and glorified.

He has spoken through the Prophets.

We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.

We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.

We look for the resurrection of the dead,

and the life of the world to come. Amen.

If you think the creed misses a topic of dogma outlined in Scripture, I would love to hear your comments.

The big question is do you consider any modern Christian rituals to be more important than your communion with Jesus himself? Any rules you talk about alongside the Good News of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as if they are one and the same? What about home-schooling? What about your definition of courtship? What about your definition of "good" Christian music? What about how often you do or don't remember the Lord's Supper? At this point in the book of Isaiah, the prophet is referring to what will come in the culture of the Jews when the Messiah comes to his people.

Isaiah 29
 15"Because ^(S)this people draw near with their words
         And honor Me with their lip service,
         But they remove their hearts far from Me,
         And their reverence for Me consists of tradition learned by rote,
    ¹⁴Therefore behold, I will once again deal ^(T)marvelously with this people, wondrously marvelous;
         And ^(U)the wisdom of their wise men will perish,
         And the discernment of their discerning men will be concealed."

And here is where Jesus quotes the prophecy

Matthew 15:8-9 These people draw near to Me with their mouth, And honor Me with their lips, But their heart is far from Me. And in vain they worship Me, Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.

And here, the Apostle Paul refers to the same thing:

Titus 1:13-14 Therefore rebuke them sharply, that they may be sound in the faith, not giving heed to Jewish fables and commandments of men who turn from the truth.

The following passage is Paul again writing to the people of Colossi in reference to whether they could or should eat meat that had been sacrificed to idols. That meat was significantly cheaper at the markets and it is what their unbelieving family and neighbors would serve. Would eating that meat mean participating in the worship of other gods? Note that Paul's audience here were mostly gentiles, not Jews, so I won't get into kosher issues though most people believe that it applies there as well.

Colossians 2    ²⁰ Since you died with Christ to the elemental spiritual forces of this world, why, as though you still belonged to the world, do you submit to its rules: ²¹ “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? ²² These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. ²³ Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

Even in the Old Testament this topic is mentioned!

          1 Samuel 15:22

                       But Samuel replied: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.

And when John asks for assurance of who Jesus is:

Matthew 11   ² When John, who was in prison, heard about the deeds of the Messiah, he sent his disciples ³ to ask him, “Are you the one who is to come, or should we expect someone else?”  ⁴ Jesus replied, “Go back and report to John what you hear and see: ⁵ The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy^[b] are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor. ⁶ Blessed is anyone who does not stumble on account of me.” ...  ²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  

John was in prison and potentially facing death. Was this really the Messiah or someone else? Is this really a good enough reason to die? When Jesus heard his fear and doubt he didn't send back a list of do's and don't's. "Did you honor your parents? Did you keep the feasts? Did you follow all the law?" No. That wasn't important to him. He simply quoted a prophecy about himself (Isaiah 61:1-2) which focused on the signs of his ministry. Not our duty. His ministry.

That is all I have for tonight but if you can't tell this is an important topic to me! I don't know about you but it seems to me this is an important topic to God, too. Please comment if you are interested. I would love to discuss this concept with more people!

If you want to read more on this topic I recently shared this blog post on Google Reader and I totally agree with the author. You might also want to peruse www.elizabethesther.com because she has an interesting perspective on religion having come out of a hyper fundamentalist background. Her early blog posts are the most interesting. A fun little tidbit is after starting to read her blog I found out that she and some of Tim's family know each other. I also enjoy reading some of the perspective of an author who was engaged to a girl from a fundamentalist family until the family convinced the girl to break it off. You can find that at Commandments of Men.

Day 03 -Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I love drugs. They're great! I regularly thank God for the incredible plants and creatures around us and the smart people he has provided to figure out how all the pharmacology works so that we can live better lives. Mostly, I thank God for antidepressants.

Oh, wait. You mean illicit drugs! Whoever wrote this questionnaire needs to be more specific especially for us medical personnel.

#1: They have restrictions for reasons. Though I may not agree with the exact legal drinking age in this country, it is still the law and it is to be followed.

#2: They do not benefit our body systems (with few exceptions such as red wine on occasion and champaigne after childbirth).

#3: They are extremely dangerous when not handled carefully.

#4: They have been known to ruin lives and even kill people.

 I have not used any drugs because I don't want to impair my body or thought process like that. I do drink on occasion but because of my family history I have specific rules for myself about drinking. Rule 1: no more than one drink on an empty stomach. Rule 2: no more than two drinks on a full stomach in an hour. Rule 3: no more than 3 drinks in a night. The most I've ever drunk was 3 drinks in a night but dinner was included and those drinks were over a 4 or 5 hour period. Those are my personal rules. I certainly don't expect others to follow them! A more broad rule that I consider important for Christians is to not be "given to drunkenness." We are to stay in control of our minds and actions for the glory of God on a regular basis.

Keep in mind, however, that if something (such as marijuana) has been proven to be of benefit to a certain patient population then a doctor has the power to prescribe that normally illicit drug to certain people under certain circumstances. Specifically, marijuana has been shown to be effective to control pain in cancer patients and other patients who have developed or demonstrated a tolerance to more mainstream pain medication. In that case, it is not considered illicit because a medical professional with good medical judgment has written the prescription. In other words, the legal vs. illegal pot issues are really superfluous and only apply to those users who wouldn't normally be able to procure a prescription from a MD.

Unfortunately, the same logic applies to the "abortion should be legal in the case of danger to the mother's life." Well, duh. If the baby is going to endanger the mother then it is up to the medical professionals to figure out what to do when to give both people the greatest chance of survival. A law is unnecessary and, by definition, applies only to elective abortion. I know that isn't the topic for today, but it is rather a big deal to me and it seemed relevant.

Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

I'd like to be healthy, emotionally stable, and content with my understanding (and lack) of who God is. I would like to give my daughter a sibling and my husband at least one more child to bless with his fatherly awesomeness. Professionally, I'd like to have my masters and be teaching either here or overseas. I'd like to be 100% involved in ministry. Mostly I'd like to feel okay about who I am.

Blog of the day: day 1 - Your current relationship.

Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Married. Taken. In love. Not as passionate as when we were first married.

My husband is almost everything I asked for in a man. Given, I didn't set any "husband" qualifications until I was almost 20 years old and most of the list included points that I believed God thought important in a man. Things like dependability, looking to Christ as his strength, respecting his mother and treated her well, etc. However, there was one thing in particular that I had on the list that is not part of Tim. He is not an alpha male. That is a good thing.

It turns out that I don't need an alpha male to ensure I don't "run over" him. I need a sentimental man who wears his emotions on his sleeve. A sweetheart to catch me when I shatter into a thousand oozing pieces and lift me up to the Lord. A man who expresses himself and encourages me to do the same. To... what? Validate my feelings? Phooey. Feelings are to be controlled, managed, not acknowledged, don't you know? They are an expression of our nature that has no desire to please God. Mostly they are selfish, self-serving, wholly evil. We are to be spiritual soldiers!

Oops.

In my despair and horribly unbalanced hormones I began to accept things as reality that were not true. God created me. He created feelings. In fact, he feels feelings far more profoundly than we can imagine. And we were not designed to live with despair. We are not designed to accept death as a part of the "circle of life." We are designed to live with the hope of the life beyond this. The joy of participating in this life. The peace of knowing that God is in control.

I'm having a hard time translating that head knowledge into heart knowledge. I am still experiencing a lot of pain because of the time in my life that I feel was lost to depression. That constricting black box that shuts out sky, colors, light itself. What kind of loving God would allow some of the situations that triggered my crashes? Why has he done some of the things in my life that he has done?

Who I think God is and who I believe he is are two different things right now. And my husband is okay with that. He doesn't ask me to buck up or snap out of it. He doesn't shove a Bible under my nose and tell me to be more "Christ-like;" whatever that means. He is walking with me through this time. A gentle shoulder to cry on, a file to sharpen, a partner to lift me up when I fall, a man to love me and sacrifice his wants and desires for my good.

Thank you Tim. I love you.
Thank you Lord.

State of the Mom

It's been a while. So I'll preface this blog month with a few updates. I graduated from the 9 week, 6 credit wound care class at the UW in the middle of October. I am searching for a (local) nursing job with increasing desperation. Tim and I have decided that to aid in my nursing position search I had to broaden my search parameters to include full time positions which would put this volleyball year in jeopardy. I'm pretty emotionally exhausted today.