My Men

If any of you women have not read "Created to Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl, you really should. It is a book by women for women on how to be a godly wife. No, it does not allow for "fixing" your husband or "getting" him to do stuff because it only deals with those who are reading the book: wives/women.

I first read the book a few years before I met Tim and during a time when I didn't have any suitors. I read the book as a guide for developing good habits toward future wifehood and tried to glean ways in which I could practice on my father and brother. Chapter 8, "Wisdom to Understand Your Man" made the biggest impact in my life. In it, three different "types" of men are discussed. Command Man, Visionary Man, and Steady Man. My dad is a Steady Man through and through with sprinklings of Visionary. When I came to understand what motivates a Steady Man to be so quiet and reserved my respect for him shot through the roof.

You see, my respect for my father had been fading bit by bit as suitors came around and my dad would be completely uninvolved. At least, that's how I saw it. Oh, how wrong I was! I thank God every time I realize that my attitude toward my father has been refined by the words and insights of this godly, older woman. Here are snippits of what I read which describe my father exactly:

"When you are married to a man [or daughter of one] who is steady and cautious, and you have a bit of the impatient romantic in you, you may not see his worth and readily honor him. You may be discontent becasue he is slow and cautious to take authority or make quick decisions... You wish he would just make up his mind, and that he would take a stand in the church [or around these various suitors]... There are times you wish he would boldly tell you what to do so you would not have to carry all the burden of decision-making."

With that paragraph I knew that my father was primarily a Steady Man and I should really pay attention.

"The key is to know your man. If he is Mr. Steady, you need to learn to be thankful and to honor him as the one created for you in the image of God. God's Word says in Hebrews 13:8, 'Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today, and for ever.' A man who is created steady brings peace and safety to a woman's soul. Your husband's [father's] gentleness is not a weakness; it is his strength. Your [father's] hesitation is not indecision; it is cautious wisdom. Your [father's] lack of deep spiritual conversation is not a lack of caring; it is simply the cap on a mountain of intense emotions. If he ever speaks of how he does feel, he will most likely become teary."

That last sentence had me in tears because it is so true and I didn't see before how special he is.

"A Steady Man likes a woman to walk beside him, yet grow in her own right before God and him... Your [father] will enjoy and share your triumphs in business. He will be proud of your accomplishments. He will want you to use your natural skills, abilities, and drives. Your achievements will be an honor to him, but lazy slothfulness will greatly discourage him... At the end of the day, Mr. Steady will enjoy weighing what he has accomplished with what you have accomplished and will rejoice in the value of having a worthy [daughter] in the grace of life."

Talk about turning on the faucet. In a rush I realized that I had wanted my father to be a tough and intimidating interviewer of any and all suitors, to take an active interest in our relationship, essentially, to be the kind of man he is not. I realized that my view of love was not his view of love. What I thought to be disregard and disinterest was actually his way of saying "I love you and I trust you." Whenever I would ask him what he thought of a guy he would always say something along the lines of "what do you think?" I took that to mean he wasn't paying attention and didn't care what kind of guy came knocking on my door when, in fact, he trusted me and allowed me to make my own decision as a young adult in who I thought would be a good fit for me.

Thankfully, the Lord answered my prayer that he would empower me to make a good decision on a suitor to therefore honor my dad! Just like I asked he made Tim an obvious stand-out to me from the beginning then gave me time to learn how Tim's deviations from my ideal husband were according to God's plan and with God's blessing. I was so happy to hear that when Tim asked for my hand in marriage my dad teared up.

THANK YOU DEBI PEARL AND CONTRIBUTORS for helping me to see the depth of love my earthly father has for me. Not only did my respect for him reach new heights but my respect and appreciation to my heavenly father grew to know that he gave me such a wonderful dad.

Now to present day.

Tim was in "go" mode last night after deciding that it would be "totally cute" to use one of his old servers lying around to set up a webcam pointed at the chicks and ducklings. When he first suggested it I thought he was joking because I don't think of doing things if there isn't a purpose to it. When he asked me what I thought I just laughed. He laughed too then gave me an inquisitive look that said "Now, what is your answer?" Realizing he was serious I said "It doesn't sound hard but why would you?" He simply replied with a shrug "It would be totally cute."

As he charged ahead with his plans and, subsequently, put off a more responsible task, that same chapter from "Created to Be His Helpmeet" jumped into my head reminding me what is a proper response to my primarily Visionary Man.

"Visionary Man will take the trash out if he remembers it. But, he may also end up inventing a way whereby the trash takes itself out or is turned into an energy source, or he may just waste a lot of time building a cart for you to take it out. He will not mind cleaning up if he notices it needs doing, but he may get so deeply involved that he decides to paint while he is sweeping, and then switch projects before he gets finished painting."

That paragraph describes my husband to a "T."

"Visionary Man will talk and talk and talk to his honey if she approves of him. He will be subjective, thinking about feelings, moods, and spiritual insights. One of his greatest needs will be for his wife to think objectively (proven truth) and use common sense, which will help keep his feet from flying too far from solid ground... His sweetheart needs to stay in a positive state of mind, yet never jump into his make-believe world, trying to be too much of a cheerleader on dead-end issues." Now my favorite part! "Let him burn out on things that are not wise but don't throw water on his fire. Let him find his own balance through bumping into hard realities. The Old Testament prophets of God must surely have been the Visionary types. Remember Elijah, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel and all their trials?"

If I hadn't remembered what Debi Pearl had suggested about handling these "go modes," as a friend of mine puts it, I probably would have re-reminded Tim about the more responsible task that I had reminded him about as soon as we got home (as per an earlier request of his). Instead I gave him enough room to enjoy his evening of tinkering and planning instead of nagging him. Subsequently, we had an enjoyable evening of tinkering and talking and though we went to bed later than usual because of his fervor for this gadget project I would happily choose an hour less sleep and a cheerful husband to a dutiful but sullen one. And I'm sure he would choose the same for me so guilting him into doing something is right out.

I'm still chuckling about the boyishly enthusiastic way Tim tackled his project last night. No, he didn't finish the project because of technical difficulties but now he has a better idea of what he needs to do to make it work. Yes, he will bump into the harsh reality of cramming before a deadline...again...but it is not my job to go to nagging lengths to prevent that. I am so blessed to have a husband with a healthy dose of wisdom so he can generally avoid learning from these sorts of mistakes and I am so blessed to have read this book through several times before I got married.

This is probably the most humorous example of putting this book into practice but I guarantee you, it is not the only one. The most poignant thing I learned from Mrs. Pearl is that to have a happy, healthy relationship I must first put into practice things that make myself and my family happy and healthy. Trust in God must be substituted for complaining, a merry heart for grumbling, thankfulness for discontentment, and appreciation for my husband's quirks for nagging, just to name a few.

In no way have I "arrived," but thanks to the time and effort put forth by Debi Pearl and all her hundreds of contributors I am better equipped to learn how to be a helpmeet to my husband so that we can grow happy as "heirs together of the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7)."